Long time no see…

I’m back after a somewhat lengthy absence.  No surprise I’m sure.  With my mother-in-law visiting us for nearly 2 weeks and a plethora of things going on last month, this is my first time to make a post.  I have a lot on my mind so I’ll probably pontificate randomly.  

We’re post-election now so the agony (of waiting) is over.  I don’t know about you but I found myself more than a little anxious over this year’s election.  As I drew my husband out about it, his thought was that it is possible that our country has finally turned from what has been historically a more conservative nation to a more liberal and socialistic-minded one.  But the thing that gives me peace is knowing that God is in control over all of it, no matter how the votes fell.  We will pray for our new president-elect now and as he takes office in January.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to talk politics because I think it can be divisive.  So that’s all I’ll say about it.  But we should definitely pray.  For the sake of our kids and for anyone who desires that this be “one nation under God”, we should be praying.

Okay.  On to another subject.  In addition to my feelings of election-related anxiety, I believe God in His kindness is showing me that there’s some heart work I’ve neglected over the past couple of years.  It’s been a long haul.  And in a season that’s been very busy and full of ups and downs, I’ve been distracted enough to lose focus on some very important disciplines…namely, keeping clear accounts within my own heart.  I’ve turned to blogging because it seems to be a venue where I can think somewhat clearly.  I don’t know if anyone’s interested in my odyssey, but if you find it helpful to know how faithful God can be, even when we are unfaithful to trust and rely on Him solely, I pray this ministers to you.

The heart is a funny thing.  Or at least mine is.  I can go for weeks, months, perhaps years where stuff that has been active in my heart has poisoned it.  It’s the effect of not keeping the gospel central.  I’m encouraged to know that we are all “the worst of sinners” and that we have a God infinite in mercy.  Apart from that knowledge, I could find myself constantly in a puddle of condemnation.  What God is attempting to reveal to me now, and keep in mind that I’m hard-headed and can easily deceive myself, is that for much of the last couple of years, I’ve maintained at some level apart from Him.  Call it self-reliance, self-sufficiency, whatever, it’s been pervasive in my life and I’m just becoming aware of it.  More importantly, I’m becoming aware of my desperate need for God.  

I doubt that anyone but those closest to me would be aware of this struggle since I’m only becoming aware of it myself.  Though I’ve always known my propensity for self-sufficiency, I was unaware of the grips it has had on me.  During the season where I perhaps needed to rely on God the most (through the deaths of my father-in-law and brother-in-law and my husband’s transition in ministry from New York to Ohio), I’ve been “going through the motions” to a certain extent.  It’s not that I’ve been completely out from under God’s covering of grace, but I’ve certainly not been apprehending all the grace that’s there for me.  So this has affected my devotion to the Lord and my relationships with my family.  I hate to admit it, but there’s been bitterness in my heart.  Of the type and the cause, I’m still not sure.  But it’s there nonetheless.  And God wants me free from it.

It’s a good thing that I’ve been taught well.  Truth is never far from me.  I just have to reach out and receive it, apply it, and live in the good of it.  So though I’ve gone a period of time just “coasting” (which isn’t possible – you’re always meditating on something and never neutral), I’m done.  God has, in His infinite kindness and mercy, arrested me and made me aware of my need.  Where I’ve been bitter, I need to confess and then I can receive the grace available for change.  The weird thing is, any bitterness that’s there seems so stupid.  I’ve had a rich life – one full of wonderful treasures that have been stored up in my heart.  What on earth do I have to be bitter about?  But “the heart is deceitful above all things” and I think my craving machine has been working overtime.  

So I know as I think rightly, it’ll be fairly easy getting back to a place of true contentment, not just one that claims contentment where there really isn’t any.  The Author of Peace has contentment in great supply and He’s just itching to relieve my suffering.

Isn’t it kind of God to make me aware of such a deep root?  He’s always faithful!  I know this will be one of those kinds of journeys where He peels things away layer by layer, but I know I’ll come out on the other side a more effective and God-glorifying woman.  I’ll let you know how it goes (but I know this already – He is able to complete what He began in me).