Anxious but Aware

I think I’ve been out of touch with my heart.  This last week and into next week I’ve had medical tests scheduled.  These are a long time coming.  What with my husband’s health issues in broader focus for the last 2 years, I guess I’ve let myself go a bit.  I’ve had some episodes recently that lead me to believe I may have some health issues that need tending to.  My new doctor (a lovely man who is part of our new church) ordered a battery of tests including a CT Scan of my head to see if there are any new developments from my MRI scan 4 years ago that showed possible lesions on my brain.  He also ordered an EKG, a cardiac stress test with echo, some blood work, and a mammogram (I’m 43 and have never had one – bad me!).  So all the tests have been done except the mammogram which is scheduled for Tuesday of next week.  

I thought I was doing fine, just expecting everything to be normal, the doctor just wanting to rule out anything serious, but I find myself thinking about the “what ifs” more than I’m accustomed to.  I’m a pretty easy-going person, not rattled easily.  But the more I think about it, I have sensed a growing anxiety.  I need to be healthy.  What would my family do without me?  Whatever comes, this is a good wake-up call for me. I can certainly take better care of myself than I have.  I need better rest and need to eat better (I don’t eat enough actually – by all rights I should be skinny!).  I should take vitamins. I need to get more exercise. I know all the things I should be doing…I just need to do them.  And now’s the time.

More importantly, I need to cast my cares on the Lord.  He’s my strength when I’m weak and needy.  If I’m anxious, I must trust that He knows this and will give me the grace to wait patiently, knowing that whatever comes, His grace is sufficient.  It’s good to remind myself of this truth.  And it’s also good to acknowledge my need and doubt.  Because I reek with self-sufficiency, I can just go on about my day, perhaps aware of anxiety but successfully distracting myself from dealing with unbelief.  If I’m anxious at all, it represents that in some way I’m not fully trusting in God’s goodness.  But knowing what we’ve been through in the last several years, and God’s faithfulness through it all, I’m confronted with the fact that He has worked all things together for good.  Why should I doubt that He will work anything that may come from these tests to my good as well?  It is only my weakness and sinful unbelief that would cause anything besides trust in Him.  

So by His grace, I will put myself completely in His care, submitting to whatever His plans are for me. Even if that means I will go through a medical challenge of some sort doesn’t change the truth.  His grace IS sufficient. It has been in the past and it will be in the future.  The bottom line is, I don’t know if there’s anything to worry about anyway.  Scripture encourages me to not worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of it’s own.  I need to do that.  I will do that.  But I know that I can’t apart from Him giving me the grace to do so.  I believe the best place for me right now is to allow my faith to be strengthened with the knowledge of His goodness, His sovereignty, and His perfect love.  After all, my greatest need has already been met.  If I have an eternal perspective, that changes everything in the present.

I’m sure I won’t do this perfectly, but I’ll let you know how it goes, and I’ll let you know how my tests turn out.  I’m probably perfectly normal.  All of my symptoms can be attributed to getting older.  My body is experiencing decay.  I need to be committed to doing all I can to slow down that process, but it will ultimately happen.  I’m fine with that.  God will help me keep focused on the things that are truly important.

If you think about it, pray that I remember truth.  When I doubt, I can forget that I have a place to run to that calms my fears.  I will throw myself on His mercy seat.  Therein is where my peace lies.